


Staring into the abyss

by Poison01



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Dark, Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 10:30:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20134003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poison01/pseuds/Poison01
Summary: Maybe everything will be fine once the drugs take over my body and the cold streets of New Jersey swallow me whole, once and for all. Maybe then I will know what the sky looks like when I'm not looking over my shoulder and what the grass smells like on the fields. But then again I never cared much for details. I guess I''ve always been somewhat of a delinquent.





	Staring into the abyss

Chapter 1

I hold my breath and let myself sink under water. Sixty-five, sixty-four, sixty-three, I can stay here for sixty-five seconds. My head is ticking just like the seconds are ticking away, ticking like a napalm bomb that is going off in precisely fifty-eight seconds. I open my eyes and stare onto the ceiling that is the lovely combination of eggshell-white and black mold, covering a few inches every here and there. I can literarily see the moldering increasing every day, like the parasite it is trying to infiltrate my entire flat, just waiting for me to run and never come back. Thirty-eight, thirty-seven, thirty-six. I must loosen up now, before I go insane. Must behave. A few bobbles escape my nose and reach the surface and I close my eyes. Fifteen, fourteen, thirteen…. I shift uncomfortably under water, feeling my lungs screaming for air. You idiot, my lungs must be saying, why are you doing this to us? Well, it’s become a habit of mine really, along with the drugs and the reckless sex and really just…what can I say, I get addicted easily. This though, is probably my way of coping, suppressing myself under water long enough to just hold onto another day, in stead of turning off my own light. Three, two, one…My entire body shoots up from the water like a racket and I gasp for air, my hands immediately reach for my face and rub my eyes. My chest feels tight, but I feel it loosen up as the air starts pumping calmly through my lungs again. I let out a dry laugh and reach for my cigarettes that is carefully placed next to the sink. The delicious smoke of Lucky Strike fills my lungs and I breath it out like just another breath of fresh air. These would indeed be the death of me, that unless something else were to beat them to it, let’s say this nasty drug addiction that really hasn’t done my any good, but who knows.  
Then the door shoots open and my heart jumps up my throat. My brother Mikey squeezing himself into the bathroom, face half down some hooker’s throat. His dirty fingers caressing her ass going under her mini-skirt in three, two, one…. “Don’t mind me!” I breath out between my cigarette and laugh dryly, being pretty much entirely exposed laying in the tub. I don’t really care thought.  
My brother’s eyes meet mine, his gaze the same empty stare just like mine. “Fuck,” he gulps, but finish off with a laugh, and his hooker, or who the fuck she is, blushes shyly. She’s pretty though, in her mini skirt and that little tank top that doesn’t hide her pierced belly bottom, although her wounded face tells me something is way off. “The hell are you even doing? You’ve been here for hours, I thought you were way off. You’ve been taking a bath the entire time?” He’s amused now, I can tell. The way he fixes his glasses higher up his nose, just barely enough for anyone to even notice, but I do.  
“Meditating.” I shrug and stump my cigarette in the water. I pull out the plug and get up, exposing myself entirely. Like I said I don’t care. The hooker is clearly checking me out, the way her eyes scan me, that dirty whore. Mikey mutters something and drags his hooker with him and shuts the door. One of the perks of living with your brother. Had to be that way thought; too expensive to live on our own.  
I check myself out in the mirror and almost get lost in my own eyes. It’s like gazing into the abyss, and I feel myself going further and further inside, because yes, the abyss will eventually gaze back into you if you stare long enough. I clench my fist and hit the mirror. I gasp in pain before I sigh worriedly. I don’t like being this on edge. I run my hand through my dark hair and watch my features. My hazel eyes and dark, long lashes. My pink, soft lips. Flawless skin despite living on the edge. I look young. Not that I ain’t young being in my early twenties, but you know how it is. It would be nice looking like I didn’t come straight from my mother’s womb. But hey give me another ten years living like this and I will look fucking horrifying won’t I.  
I reach inside the pocket of my jeans, still on the floor. Find the pill I was looking for inside a tiny plastic bag. Valium is the only true substitute that makes the nausea go away and the blood in my veins calm down. For a couple hours I will feel fine. I will be able to not worry about a thing. And that is everything everyone really cares about, isn’t it? To not worry. To be at ease. I love being high on valium.  
I pull on my black jeans and a gray shirt, take a last look in the mirror and see myself smirking before I exit the bathroom and walk through the tiny living room. Mikey and the hooker are making out on the sofa as I make my way over. A bitt dazzled they pull apart, and I seat myself in the middle of the couple, and they shift uncomfortable. I pull my arms around their necks, pulling them even closer to me. I feel the hooker resisting. “Remember to use condoms,” I half giggle, trying to maintain the seriousness in my voice.  
“You’re a dick,” Mikey bluntly answers.  
“Oh, you’re such a sourpuss.” I tease, before I shift my gaze to the whore and motion for her to move closer. When her ear is right by my mouth I whisper, “he really wouldn’t be able to pay the child support y’know, he’s worse off than I am.” The whore rolls her eyes. Those eyes just didn’t do it for me. I could never be hard for her.  
Mikey glare at me before I ruffle his hair and stand up to leave. “I’m off,” I hum carefree before I’m out the door, making my way to the dark streets of Jersey. 

The air fills my lungs and I sigh happily. It’s not like a I got instant joy form breathing the Jersey air like an idiot thought, no this change of mood comes from the valium and God does it feel good. Besides, I know exactly where I’m going. And where I’m going is going to give me all the money I need for a couple of days. I will ignore the lump in my throat and the hopelessness inside of me while I do so, and I will ignore everything else my guts tell me to do. Because I am reckless and without this recklessness I would be in a dumpster by now, so help me God, or maybe you won’t, but I don’t care. I can be carefree if I want to.  
It doesn’t take long before I’m payed up front, put the money in my pocket and aim for the mouth. We’re behind some dirty alley, and we’re doing it quick and dirty just how I like it. The man doesn’t even look that bad, and he pays me good money to suck him off. Besides, the Valium makes me at ease so it’s fine. It’s totally fine, really.  
The man pants loudly, and his knees are vibrating, and from there on everything goes rather quickly. I could probably tell you all about the stars and the moon and everything else that my eyes fixated on, or the tiny little whimper that escaped from my mouth for a split second as I realized how pathetic it all must be. The way even my ears fixated on the traffic nearby, so that the moans of a stranger wouldn’t haunt me in my dreams. Or the way my jaw would slightly vibrate as the man came hard into my mouth, and I would close my eyes and think of the smell of red roses, because they were my favorite.  
And then when we are done the man disappears quickly, and I bend over and vomit. I close my eyes and let my sins disappear down the sewage. Letting myself collapse and shatter to pieces, until the black void in my chest begs me to pull myself together, like so many times before. I vomit once more and realize that my entire soul is being poured out of me, and it fucking hurts, now more than ever. I then take a deep breath and reach down my pocket and squeeze my hand around the money. I chuckle lightly, because after all I got what I came for, just like so many nights before.  
I arrive home just as the sunset peers through the sky and everything turns clear orange, and I am reminded that some things stay beautiful. But there on the couch Mikey and the hooker have fallen asleep, dirty, naked, sinful. I don’t even care anymore. I stop for a minute to look at them. They look so incredible fragile wrapped in each other arms, pretending like they give a fuck about each other, and here I am standing in the living room, just watching them and trembling as the drugs run out of my system leaving me feeling not only peculiar but also so, so incredible lost. Because nothing ever changes around here. It’s this fucking circle of life and there is no way breaking out of it. I watch as Mikey whimper in his sleep and grab his hooker tighter to his chest, just like he would do to his teddy bear when he was little. And that is the very moment when I let myself sink to the lowest of low and lay down on the floor next to them, my little brother and his hooker. I close my eyes and drift off to an uneasy, but not so lonely sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first chapter! Let me know if you want more :)


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